pg1:

first line is the shallowist

fake it till you make it

and it fell to respect

pg2:

so it goes

and comes

learn to enjoy losing

volume matters

and the songbird sings, “I wanna see my lawyer…”

make a little birdhouse in your soul

polygon!!

pg3:

Remedy?

always dress warm ’cause you never know when you are going to be arrested

its a long way down

if I had feigned stability at any time, I apologize!

impatience is a virtue

batch of fuck

pg 4:

the higher you get, the less high you become

prime of my life

I would never waste my cock on you

the most important function of the avant-garde was not to experiment, but to find a path, keep the culture moving

my brain needs washing

pg 5:

oh, I know its all coming down soon

a wish to be free at last from the weight of our courage

you said you were my friend

some god

find love in hate

pg 6:

feeling fearing twat tornadoes

unbeast the leash

(random outpouring about the artwork on the preceding pages)

pg 7 (lucky?) :

c’mon lets take a ride

cold and withered inside

looking for some hope

thought i found it in dope

left me for a shell

after every rail

looking for some light

thought I found it outside

all i found was ruthless

cruel reality

when I found the light was

so bright I couldn’t see

if i could find a way to grasp it

i know I would be free

to my surprise, this light blazed bright

from inside of me

fresh and sedated (not part of the rhyme above)

pg 8:

savage sausage semen

bastard birth believing

clattered cunts concieving

suck my dick now we’re even

pg 9:

we’re all supposed to try

our blades are dulled

capital is beyond mortality

sweeping insensitively

almost out of the fray

beneath the veneer

inspiration?

glory? love?

raised by the dead

ragged edge of plausability

pg 10:

I smell like death, and my breath is worse;

say another word I’ll put your grandma in a hearse

pg 11 – pg 16:

random drawings/court notes/and to do lists

pg 17:

let me see that sexy crease

frosted glass memories

i can fill my heart with this breeze

success is confusing nomenclature

that is it for now

and… “peteetong” to you all

I wonder why i adore sleep so much. perhaps because of my wrestling with insomnia.

best cure seems to be alcohol, but it has side affects.

thats why I’ll be going to some AA meetings next week. no actually it is by court order that I go to the meetings.

but that is beside the point, I’d be going anyway.. i think.

some of my friends confuse me. Friends that have girlfriends that I’ve made out with while they are together.

Friends who moved away to be with their boyfriend, upon return visits express their love for me.

this helps me not want to be in a relationship. I am a ..decent guy. I try real hard not to be “that asshole” (the one that gets with your girlfriend) But it is hard. And it makes me wonder about the fidelity of any future partner. I am not ridiculously attractive, and situations often arise where I have to hold stead fast to my resolve not to sleep with a “taken” girl.

One of my friends calls me up only when she is having problems with her current BF. We always end up in the bedroom stoned, silent, holding each other. I can feel the tension from her waiting for me to make a move. But I won’t. and it always uncomfortable when I leave.

And the instance last weekend with my friend who moved a few states north to be with her serious boyfriend. I said i was going to take a shower. She came in, undressed, and got in the shower with me. I said nothing to invite her. But while we were in there.. doing whatever (not sex).. she kept repeating that she shouldn’t be doing this, so I said that we weren’t going to have sex, just wash each other.. But, for lack of a better vocabulary, she kept trying to get me to stick it in her.

people ask me why I don’t want a relationship. My answer is that I cannot trust people. And I don’t want a situation where I am wondering what is going on, because I know it is probably the worst. I may meet someone to sway my opinion on this issue, but none thus far.

I think about previous relationships, and I wonder how many times I have been cheated on. Not too many I suppose because I haven’t been in too many serious relationships. But it makes me wonder.

Anyway new subject. That one just makes me pissed off. So I was trying to get dancers for my friends bachelor party tomorrow night, and I called my friend that has the hook and I found out what she’s been dealing with for the last few months… damn. Talk about drama! Abusive relationships and methadone clinics. Poor girl. I gave the best advice I could, but it sure drained me. I never got around to asking her about getting dancers. So we’ll see what happens. My idea is to just go to a club within walking distance from our hotel and try to get as many females as possible to go to the hotel party… we’ll see how that goes. I’m not too concerned about getting any tail for myself, but I want my friend to have a good time. For some reason I predict that he will get too drunk and end up just going to sleep about 2am. I just have this feeling. I will report whether or not my prediction will come true.

oh, and by the way, there is no such thing as darwinism. That word was made up by creationists to try to make evolutionism sound like a religion driven by a martyr. These are the same people who changed their name from “creationists” to “intelligent design proponents” to get around a Supreme Court ruling. Very slick guys, but unlike your supporters, we are not idiots.

I just started this blog for absolutely no reason. I guess i want to write something. that has to be a motivating factor. Every journal or long term project I have attempted has never come to fruition. plus the fact that i have had a few beers, a muscle relaxer, and smoked pot, it is highly unlikely that I will even remember this tomorrow. + how slow I type happens to be ridiculous at this point. So I must bid farewell, and will keep the activation email in my inbox so maybe I’ll repost with some comfortably insane blather.

ian